I’ve gone from seeing my therapist once a month to once a week, and sometimes I believe I need to speak to her more often.. I am not the type of person to open up to anyone because I believe it to be a burden.. and live in reciprocity. I don’t want anyone burdening me, unless you are a young adult needing guidance, then have at me.
One of the last sessions I had with my therapist was what Fashion High meant to me.. and in verbalizing the meaning of the building, my eyes kept welling up. After the flood of words I came to understand that because it was so meaningful in my years of becoming who I am, I still keep it dear to my heart. It was my safe haven, my home and the space I needed as a teen. And I realized that it wasn’t the building itself but the people in it, the teachers and the very few friends I still have in my life after all of these years.. 2 to be exact! Because I was part of and am a part of the thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands ALUMNI (which could be of greater use, but under the current leadership, doesn’t seem possible) that will never be taken from me.
This year was exceptionally challenging. Surgery due to a cancer diagnosis, serving a 5 month suspension in another school building, the death of my grandmother, the only person I experienced the meaning ‘unconditional’ from, all felt like too much.. but then being removed from the building I called home just hit like a punch to my gut. And I am still removing my personal belongings after serving 15 years of service; the principal wanted my personal belongings out in the first week of school but I can thank the CTE Asst. Principal for showing some humanity and giving me til the end of the month. I am asking where is the animosity coming from? What did I do or didn’t do to deserve this kind of treatment? And I am quieting my mind every day and not allowing it to consume me and focus on all I do have.
Many moments have risen in my memory and it has allowed me to comfort myself with the fact that Fashion High was not the best place for me mentally. I reviewed 15 years of ‘flags’ that I have experienced and slowly came to this, ‘Rosa, you are better off not being there’. It came down to the stark contrast of my values and how the student population is served there, and sadly, my selective ‘tunnel vision’ when exposed to what other teachers or staff were experiencing. As a gen-X’er of a certain tax bracket, my upbringing was different and therefore my methods are different. I am straight to the point, I do not enable, I do not engage in varnishing the truth to make it more palatable to some. I do not kiss ass. It is disingenuous, a waste of time, a weakness of character and will NEVER serve our Black and Brown youth. Why? because the world has been programming us to do just that in order to get crumbs off the floor from a table we do not have a seat at.
I am well aware that for some ‘ass-kissing’ can be synonymous with ‘knowing how to play the game’. My problem with that parallel? Education is not a game, neither is working in the field of public service, is it not the mission to move forward? To leave behind the ‘political strategies’ to ‘get what you want’? When has communicating effectively, soundly, sensitively become so hard? I thought COVID gave us a push in the that direction. Realizing the gaps within our system and creating safe ways and methods to SPEAK UP. But then again let’s look at who inhabits the Oval Office and realize Free Speech is under attack nationwide.
Being a teacher that has a vested interest in the whole student is dangerous in some schools, under some culturally different leadership that does not resemble the student body. I identified with many of my students because I WAS one of them and my approach, although can be seen ‘harsh’ to some that can never identify with our experience, has been accepted even welcomed by the parents of my students. They understood that I was there for their children as human beings and not just another kid on the roster. My message was always hinged on the importance of an education in a world that may never accept them for who they are, a very realistic and all to evident fact being played out every day in this country.
Instead, historically at Fashion, meeting the student head on with challenging questions about their behavior is not explored. Could fear of litigation from parents, or fear of labeled as ‘racist’ from staff be the reason why students are not obligated to reflect? What can the result be of not addressing or enabling bad behavior? In my 22 years of teaching, not confronting bad habits rooted in disrespect and indifference give way to a sense of entitlement. Is that what we are working towards? It seems fear is the guiding light in some educational environments. Adults are fearful of losing their jobs, of being ‘reported’, investigated and do nothing, and the students are left with?…. That’s what enrages me. If trust existed then we could be doing what we came to do for our students, but leaders that do not trust, run a different kind of ‘household’, one that does not serve the community.
In the past 15 years, I have experienced teachers and staff’s ‘reply all’ rants regarding their treatment by administration, one even quoted Gandhi. They were there one day, and out the next. My mentor, now retired, would only communicate through their lawyer. Have you noticed how the ones that speak up or are backed into a corner, to the point they ‘fight back’ are seen as the crazy ones? But the ones causing the pain, inflicting the hardship, twisting the knife are almost never questioned? And this is what I teach my students, to first, document everything and second, do not live in fear. If you live an honest life, you should never be afraid to speak up. This time around, it is my turn.
The past couple of years at Fashion, I wouldn’t smile when the principal stood before me, because it isn’t natural to express joy before someone I don’t trust. I don’t do that overall. Again, a gen-X’er is almost always straightforward and doesn’t hide behind ‘societal conventions’. We may act in a professional manner, but we don’t smile just because, especially if we’ve been taught in the school of hard knocks. Feelings of warmth come natural before those we feel safe, trust and respect. And so the pride felt for him as a leader eroded, and the respect continued because he did give me the job 15 years ago, experienced the attempts at improving the school as well and I would never attempt to know what it takes to run a school yet that should never undermine treating people with dignity.
I am left feeling like just another teacher they dealt with to make the school budget add up. What does that mean? Well, after 22 years of teaching, my salary is WAY UP THERE, so why not get rid of me and hire 2 teachers for the price of 1? Was that another variable in this equation? Is that what happened with other veteran teachers?
Just getting it all out of my system.
Writing has always been a form of therapy for me.. I can thank my AP English teacher at Fashion, Ms. Strauss.. I loved writing before her but fell in love with it partly because of her.
All of this verbal regurgitation to move ahead and finish these last 5 years of my commitment as a public school teacher with Joy and not continue to COUNTDOWN till the day I retire.
I thank my partner and all of the those I love, carrying me through this as I continue to show up for new students in this new school.
Hindsight is bringing me so much clarity and wisdom to this life changing event and focusing on all I have is my answer.
Rosa Isabel Chavez 